Tuesday, 10 September 2013

Honesty, Life, Love and Mental Illness

Somewhere between wanting to live the dream life and actually living the dream life, something broke.

The worst thing is, it makes no sense as to why...

Depression is a funny thing isn't it? Sometimes people have a reason for the dip into the darkness, sometimes however, even years down the line, they still have no understanding as to why they fell so deeply, so quickly.

The sad thing about depression is that it is never really gone. It still lurks there silently in the background, like a tiger in the grass about to pounce on it's prey.... but less impressive to watch on national geographic.

I honestly think that someone up there has a remote control, with my name on it. They point and press it at me when what's going on gets boring or they want a soap style twist in the story.

My life is a little like a drama from a soap storyline as it is to be honest. A little bit of Eastenders, Corrie, Hollyoaks and Emmerdale all mixed together with the bad acting of Home and Away and Neighbours thrown in for fun. The only thing I'm lacking at the moment is a crazed murderer going around killing the cast of my life for no apparent reason... whoever has that remote, don't get any ideas, this isn't a request for another storyline.

My life so far has involved so much drama. So when the drama finally faded and the happy ending was on the horizon, I thought I was finally becoming an extra in someone else's drama rather than the star of the show and I felt so, so, happy about that. I thought nothing could ruin it and the storm had passed.

The thing is, the idiot with the remote has a button on it that says 'Depression' then 'only press when in need of a tear or two'. It is a button that once pressed can't be undone until the repair man comes out... and you know how long it takes for a repair man to come out. You can never guarantee that the repair man will be on time or can even fix the problem too, which in itself is frustrating.

I have no idea what triggered the last episode of issues but I think I may have just hit a brick wall after the excitement and stress of the past few years and our amazing wedding.

I slowly deteriorated over a couple of weeks, fighting it at every step, hiding it so people couldn't see that I was struggling. The fact that this isn't the first time I'd fallen of the depression wagon, meant that I knew what was happening and so I could try and ride the rollercoaster without anybody noticing.

That wasn't as easy as it sounds. I was easily upset, paranoid, scared, panicky, stressed... the list goes on... but I also felt constantly ill. My health issues I have, that are under investigation by a neurologist, started to get even worse than they were before, I now have constant pin and needles in the left side of my face as well as my hands and feet... my body just feels broken.

Everything was just getting on top of me and I felt like I was trapped underneath a glass or like a wasp in a can of fizzy drink, desperately trying to get out, but the gap was magically shrinking and taking all my time and space with it. I felt like I was gasping for breath and being drowned by thin air, like I was going mad.... well madder than usual.

Don't get me wrong, I can't explain how happy I am with my family life, it is all I have ever wanted. I can honestly say I am grateful everyday for having such beautiful children and a loving husband and I would never take that for granted or not understand how lucky I am to have them...

So why am I feeling like I'm struggling for breath as I try and reach the surface of a rapidly closing coke can?

I know it sounds dramatic and at the risk of being attacked by Katie Hopkins for being a pathetic human being, I have had that hideous feeling that I am failing mentally and physically at life...

There I said it.

I know I can do better at certain things and the fact I am currently distracting myself with stupid things that don't necessarily need doing like, painting band names on Kyd's wall or creating Tortoise houses (long story I'll fill you in later), is a sure sign that I am starting to get better as that is what I do best... procrastinate.

So why am I writing this post and why on earth am I telling you all this?

Well I like to be honest when I've sneakily been feeling rough for so long and I know that my blog has been neglected in the process of feeling crap so it is the best way possible to put out a mass apology.

SO I would just like to apologise to all of the people I've let down, not replied/responded to, not answered the phones to. Or the ones I've not emailed, text, facebooked, tweeted, reviewed or commented on blog posts or life events... or even said hello in person.

I am really sorry and I know it is frustrating and upsetting at times to be so blatantly ignored but sometimes my head is in a different place and I physically can't speak/type/live a normal life and I sort of curl in a ball and hide in the corner until I have to pretend again and paste a fake smile on my face....

I love you all really and I would like to share these bottle of Gin with you all...

So get a nice big glass I've got enough to share,

*throws the ice and slice at you all*

Have you all got your glass half full?

*raises glass in the air*

Here's to Honesty Life, Love and Mental Health... well Health in general actually.


  1. Jenny @justphotosby.me10 September 2013 at 19:49

    *chinks glass back at you* no need to apologise my darling - do what you have to do and know that there's a whole load of virtual love available at any time. I too am trying to write the 'apology' blog post - but the words won't fall out my fingers - all kudos to you for doing so x

  2. Fair play for being so honest Alice, it's not an easy thing to write about but facing it head on just shows what a tough cookie you are. Bloody hell all those gin bottles are staring at me missus...
    Available for virtual hugs at any time - dial 0800-saurus x

  3. Bless you and I raise my glass to you for such an honest and open post.

    Here's hoping the channel's flicked soon and you're back to something more serene x

  4. (((hugs))) sorry to hear you feel that way, but can relate and you put it so well.
    I think you are amazing xx

  5. Lovely Alice, I do hope you realise that a lot of people will sit here reading this and nodding and thinking to themselves "yep, I feel like that", and "yes that's how it makes me feel too" and most importantly "thank goodness it's not just me", it will be so helpful to others... Beautifully written. Hugs xx

  6. Well done lovely - that can't have been an easy post to write but I'm so pleased that you did. You'll beat it and in the meantime, you've got the support of us all.
    Oh and I really want to dial 0800-saurus and do some heavy breathing lol

  7. Bless you Alice, I know exactly where you're coming from. Just reading this makes me feel less alone. Thanks.
    I had to stop drinking alcohol as it affects me in a depressive way so no gin for me lol
    Take care and great blog xx

  8. Awww Alice, well done for being so honest. If I could change the channel, flick the switch for you I would, but know that we are all here for you. xx

  9. cakesphotoslife (Angie)10 September 2013 at 20:52

    I bloody love you, your an amazing person and depression is so hard people will never understand unless are living it also, now get those blue tins ready girl, because I want to share some with you xxx

  10. Mmm Gin. I wish I given you a bigger hug yesterday, darling girl. I hope that writing about it clarified a few things for you. Take care xxx

  11. You must be exhausted Alice - it's no wonder. I'm sorry you're feeling so terrible and hope it's the dark before the dawn of your wonderful new life xx

  12. YOu have in no way let anyone down. And that stuff you do that isn't strictly necessary? It's what makes you you, and what makes people love you, so don't stop, as long as you're having fun with it. This is the start. Telling people - admitting it to yourself - is the beginning of getting it back under control. I know how depression can come and go, and seemingly with no root cause, and not being able to explain it makes it feel even worse. Try not to, just try to be your own best friend. A really good CBT once said to me - listen to yourself! If your best friend spoke to you the way you speak to yourself, she soon wouldn't be your friend any more. Be kinder to yourself - tell yourself what your best friend would tell you." It's not a solution, but it really helps me sometimes. Keep talking Alice, and everyone out here loves you xxx

  13. I am so sorry you're feeling like this. I am just over a really bad period...I think I'm over it although I'm not really really sure. I never know when something minor will happen and I will feel again really bad again. And like ou I feel like I'm out of breath...I think this is the anxiety talking. All we can do when this happens is to try and relax and think if e ood things that happen in our life.
    There's always a reason for depression and I know mine...problem is the fact that I want o hide it...
    I'm hoping your neurological problems are not serious and it's just the anxiety talking.
    Big hugs and remember I am here if you ever need to talk and cry on a shoulder(I know I'm far but distance when there's Internet means nothing).

  14. Oh Alice, this is written with such honestly and I am in total awe of you for posting it. I am sorry you are going through it and hope the feelings pass soon. Please stop being so hard on yourself, you have nothing to apologise for. Those that mind don't matter, and those that matter don't mind xx

  15. So many will empathise with this, depression is hard to life with and I can tell you its hard living with someone with it too. Great, honest post. Here's hoping you feel better ASAP x

  16. Bless you for being so so honest. I also think that it sometimes helps to just get it all off your chest innit. *chinks glass*

    Popping over from loveallblogs

  17. Beautiful brave post, thank you for sharing. I think a lot of mums, depression or not, can relate to feeling like this at some point. Life can get so overwhelming and it can be hard to breathe sometimes.
    I never say no to a lovely G&T so here's to better days ahead *chinks glass, takes a big gulp and sighs happily* :-)

  18. I can really relate to this. My depression reared its ugly head again just after my wedding, when I was supposed to be ay my happiest. But that is depression right? It never makes sense. I went from a massive high to a huge low. I am so sorry to hear you feel like this and you have absolutely nothing to apologise for. If there is anything at all I can do to help just shout lovely lady *swigs gin* x

  19. No need to apologise. At all. Virtual bloggy hugs x


Thank you for your comment xx