I've just been looking at my pregnancy Diary from last year...
Rocky is 1 tomorrow.
Where has this year gone?
I found that I couldn't read past the title of each post without starting to cry.
When I look back at the events that were unfolding this time last year, I get that scared knotted feeling of fear in my belly, my eyes fill with tears and I have to gulp them down with a deep breath.
But find myself doing this whilst looking at him with a smile that says 'if only you knew what it took to get you here'.
Only recently have I realised that the birth of Rocky really has scarred me for life.
I don't mean in a C Section way, as I gave birth naturally and I think I'd have been much less effected by one of those.
I mean, the scar deep down inside me which stops me from feeling the overwhelming magical feeling of spiritual love and satisfaction most women get from pregnancy and birth.
From start to finish of this miracle baby's making was the most stressful thing I've ever been through, sod being a teen mum, the diagnosis of Kyd or anything else in my life so far, THIS, this beautiful and natural thing... this, was what tipped my emotional and physical well-being over the edge.
Don't get me wrong, I don't love Rocky any less, even with it festering there. In fact it probably makes me appreciate him more, it just stops me thinking about butterflies and rainbows when it comes to mind.
I just can't be happy when I think about the day he was born or the events leading up to and after his birth... and that destroys me inside.
It was agonising, mentally and physically and it drained every inch of new mum excitement from my bones.
Pregnancy and Labour are traumatic enough in their own way but with added conditions and effects going on at the same time it made the whole thing something I never wish to go through again.
I put on a brave face but really deep down I was, and still am, petrified... and I know I will never let that pain go away fully, I know I will always be reminded on an annual basis.
I also know, that I will never give birth again, not just for that reason but because getting pregnant isn't as easy as Bish Bash Bosh for me, which made this much more important to be something I remembered as perfect forever.
Sadly it will go down in history as one of the worst things I've ever been through and although what I got out of it is the most amazing thing in the world and I am truly grateful for him every day...
I'll never see those rainbows and butterflies that others see when thinking about birth.
I'll never feel their joy.