But as 'ME' I am completely failing....
AND I'm being drowned in baby sick and washing whilst I'm at it!
I used to be able to get up and look in the mirror and think 'yep that's me! you need to do your hair and make up though Alice' (yes I talk to myself in my head! I'm not psychotic just slightly odd).
I was happy & smiley with white teeth and golden blonde hair. I donned a set of False eyelashes more times than not and I always made an effort even when I was trying not to make an effort. I never liked my body but hey ho who does? But I was generally happy with myself by the time I fell pregnant Body Dysmorphia or no Body Dysmorphia.... well once I sorted my face out.
Now I look in the mirror and I don't recognise the person looking back at me even when I put make up on and it's really starting to get to me!
I have dark hair! - I hate me with Dark Hair.
Which matches the dark circles under my eyes.
My face just looks prematurely aged and tired.
My teeth are minging and now a weird pastel shade of yellow.
My smile has disintegrated into a general no expression look.
I generally have no make up on and when I do I have to re do it over and over because my hands shake so much it goes everywhere.
I have one fat leg and one thin leg (although that's gradually becoming less obvious).
Both legs now have hideous broken veins on them (mainly on the left).
I have no clothes that fit.
I'm not allowed to exercise properly and physically can't because of the pain anyway.
Because of the lack of exercise I can't get rid of my baby weight.
My skin is so pale I look see through.
My brain is Hofficially dead and I can't even remember my own date of birth half the time!
My body feels like it's on edge all the time twitching with weird pins n needles.
My tremors in my hands are starting to make me drop and spill things now more than ever.
I'm knackered all the time.
Some days I can hardly even walk or get up the stairs.
I bruise so easily because of the Warfarin.
I can't even shave my legs just in case I cut myself!!! (don't worry I'm not a gorilla just yet that is what Veet is for)
But at least I have my health hey.... OH WAIT?!?!?!?!?!
What is going on! I only had a baby I didn't save the world with my bare hands!!
I know I have 2 kids, including a 4 month old baby but there is no excuse to let myself go like this! I know it will cause more problems down the line so I need to fix it quick. I have to sort myself out I have to become me again!
I reckon I have to work some ME TIME into my life (some me time that doesn't include just sleeping) and I have to do it before I start to slip back into the dysmorphic suffocation that is Body Dysmorphia & Depression. I know I'm back there already, I can feel it, and I wouldn't be feeling this way and writing this now if I wasn't, but I need to start building a bridge back to normality!
I have a wedding dress to buy and I can't even imagine trying them on at the moment let alone buying one, as I think I'd rather eat my own hand than stand in front of a random lady in my pants whilst she helps me into a dress.
SO WHAT DO I DO FOR ME TIME?I'll start with a pamper time bath.... Get myself all scrubbed and buffed. Sounds simple but finding the time is harder than ever at the moment.
Look in the mirror and decide what needs fixing. My 'Fix Me' list will be longer than Kyd's santa list no doubt.
Maybe then I'll sweet talk The Hoff into paying for me to have my hair done in an actual salon, like old times, and go back to blonde.
It might take hours and I will have to take pillows to sit on and walking breaks because of the DVT but if it means I can look in the mirror and see me again maybe it's worth all the discomfort, time and money! and maybe then I might actually be bothered to begin to find ways of fixing myself again.
It's a start I suppose.
I know that most reading this will be like 'what is she whining about she's just had a kid' but for me this is like hell. I suffer from Body dysmorphia as it is in every day life and with the added PND involved it becomes more important to me than ever. To read more about Body Dysmorphia and gain more understanding please press HERE!