Monday, 25 June 2012

How can a child not be welcome at his own Dad's wedding?...

Yesterday I woke up at 6am in agony, the usual pregnancy back ache, you know how it goes. I tried to ease it and get back to sleep but it just wasn't working. It was so quiet in the house so I did what most people do now a days and checked my facebook for something to do... I think I was half asleep but what I then saw made me sit bolt up right.

A wedding picture 'not unusual for facebook' I hear you say, but this was a family picture, of Kyd's family at a wedding that had happened the day before............ the wedding of Kyd's DAD & his partner............ His own DAD............ His brothers were in the picture too........... BUT NO KYD. Well Obviously there was 'No Kyd' because he was at respite round the corner so not in Cambridgeshire with them.

How can you have your own wedding without your eldest son being there?? OR without him even knowing anything about it?? They were all on my facebook and I had not seen a single thing about the wedding until that moment how can this be?? Surely they must have put facebook status' up about nerves or plans.... No?..... Yes!! but for some reason I was the only one who couldn't see them... FUNNY THAT!

Now I'm not saying the relationship between myself and his Dad has ever been easy. We didn't really speak for years, things were said on both sides but generally we had just left it as Kyd was better off not having the issues the arguments would bring. He never really fought for him but I put that down to his age and non understanding of Kyd's Downs and medical problems. But for the past few years we have had a decent and civil friendship and he has been seeing Kyd, not regularly I must admit, but he has been seeing him when we have been in the area he lives, which is the same area as members of my family. It has always been me doing the trip to him but I understood his current situation as I had been in a similar one for years. He had a new partner and 2 more children and they were struggling to make ends meat and at one point were even homeless for a while. I understood his issues and I had agreed that it wasn't a huge issue for him to only see Kyd when we were in the area but for him to keep in contact in other ways ie Facebook etc. Maintenance wise, I had said we had never had it so we wouldn't miss it if he still didn't give anything towards it. I thought this was quite reasonable as like I said as a family they were struggling to cope so why would I take the food out of those children's mouths. I could've been awkward and demanding but I am not like that.

Strangely enough I was saying this to a friend who has known us both since day one just yesterday, whilst they were partying no doubt and she was practically hitting me over the head and telling me I was a mug and that he needed to do more! I said it was fine and that he'd changed and it worked for both of us and although he didn't see him often he was really making an effort to be there for him.... I even went into detail about the fact that when I get married I am double barrelling my last name so that Kyd could keep my name and not have to take on another man's name out of respect for his Dad..... uhhhhh obviously he's not that bothered!! I now feel like a complete mug and will not be putting myeslf out for him AT ALL!!!

Why did we bother to start seeing him again if he was never really that interested... well mainly because as Kyd got older he understood more about families and that you have both a mum and a dad... so where was his dad? He deserved to know and after a long conversation with his dad we decided it was time, that it wouldn't be too in your face at first and he would be happy just being there whenever he needed him or wanted to know anything. He also had a brother at the time and the other one was on it's way so we thought it was a good idea that he understood who they were too. There was no reason for me not to allow him to have access and understanding of this part of his life he was old enough to understand and although I'd never stopped contact I had a complete understanding of both sides of our history now and so I thought it was the right time.

It was going so well, Kyd was so happy to be a big brother, he knew who his dad was and he looked at pictures of them all the time. His brothers knew him too and his Dad was happy to know what he was doing in his life via facebook, phone and the odd visits around birthdays and Christmas'. Kyd knew that some dads live elsewhere and that families often live in different houses but he was still loved on both sides.

SO why now has his dad completely forgotten he exists? I have struggled during this pregnancy and we haven't really made any trips to Cambridgeshire so contact has been at a minimal. We've not really heard much from them either but it wasn't an issue I just thought they were busy too. We sent a Fathers Day card the other day and he made it all by himself on moonpig and he was so proud of himself. We didn't really get much of a response when I explained online that I'd sent it to his mums house by accident, just a 'yeah got it thank you'... I thought this was a bit weird but didn't think about it too much.

I've worked it out now though he was organising his wedding and avoiding contact because he didn't want him there.... and I'm not being funny but if he can afford a wedding he could afford a few £ in petrol to come and see his first born and/or maintenance......... No?

When I saw the pictures of them suited up and his partner in her gown and all happy and smiling I couldn't help but think 'he's not even given him a second thought'. I tried to think about it in a logical way, maybe it was a rush job and very last minute? Maybe I just hadn't read a message on facebook or something and completely missed it?..... NOPE!! It was non of the above. He literally had just not wanted him there and instead of manning up and saying 'this is what's happening and this is how I feel' which I would've understood and all would've been fine, He just avoided it and got on with it without a care for his own son's feelings. Kyd wouldn't have minded not going if there was a valid reason, he wouldn't have even known and I wouldn't have been annoyed at it as I'm not that much of a bitch, I think I've proved this with being so reasonable about the access and maintenance or lack of it. So I just didn't get it....... so I asked him, I tried to keep it as civil as possible but I put across my disappointment and upset by his blatant dismissal of his own child on such a big day in his life....... here was his response.... broken down so I can react and respond accordingly to what was said. I couldn't bring myself to reply to this, due to the fact I didn't want to react like a dodgy bird on Jezza so I have left it at this... I'll respond on here as to what I wanted to say..... in a nicer way to what it would've been yesterday! He knows what I think so there was no need to reply.....

'its nothing like that at all alice i would of loved to have rhys there with the other boys but lets look at this reasonably the situation would of been awkward and as you know or will know as you are tieing the knot that on your special day you want everything to go perfect with no problems or let downs.' 

Let's analyse this for a minute... YOU ARE SAYING having your own son at your wedding would be Awkward?? and he'd be a Problem and/or a Let Down?.... Really??? How so??? I can only see this as 'awkward' if you feel awkward about him being your son or people knowing he's your son. Or it's awkward because he wasn't the product of the Bride like the other 2 son's... this has always been the case and it was never a problem before. If it would be awkward because you think I'd have had to be there with him, I'd understand that as that'd be awkward for me too, BUT I wouldn't have had to be there as other members of your family would've been there to watch him even if it was only for a few hours. He's nearly 10!! he's not a toddler he needs watching and looking after but he'd have been happy with your mum or dad for a few hours.

'i would never forget my son as you put it. its not like me and rhys have a connection anyway that bond between father and son were gone a long time ago, which not being funny was your decision'

How the bloody hell was moving away to be around family and in a safer environment and closer to medical help, the reason you have no connection with your son?? My dad lived on the other side of the country from me from the age of 2 yet I spoke to him every other day and saw him every school holiday, birthday and Christmas! I moved because we were destructive, you were a mess and our son needed more help than a normal baby and where we were the distance between him and the hospital was too much for me to be travelling regularly. Plus if you know you've lost that bond or never had it surely as a father you'd want to gain that back or work out a way of doing so... not just leave him to think you don't give a sh*t.

'you and dan have raised rhys to be a fine young lad, but its you and dan that are his parents and who it looks for guidence,'

Does this not bother you as a father that he looks to someone else for guidance and not you??? As a man even? you might as well have just written 'Have him' on a post it note and shoved him on Hoff's doorstep. What a cop out. How dare you just dismiss him like that. Like he's just nothing in your life and he doesn't exist. You are right we have raised him well, we are his parents and he will always get the right guidance from us because we love him, we care about him and we want him to be a bigger and better man than you will ever be. If he is going to learn anything from you, it's how not to live his life, how not to treat people and how not to walk away from your responsibilities as he will know how this feels from his own experience.

'but i cant help the way you feel or see things all i can say is im sorry for any dissapointment on your behalh and also wish you dan and rhys all the best with family new family and marriage soon.'

This is how he left it! Basically saying 'have a nice life son you won't be seeing me again'....NICE! Thanks for the best wishes but you can shove them up your....... Oh and he then wrote 'sorry some mistakes but I'm hungover'........ again NICE!!

I am so angry with him. As much as I know Kyd is better off without him if he's going to be like that, as a mum I love my son and can't understand how he can just dismiss his existence like that after actually becoming part of his life. A few years ago if he'd have married without him I would have understood as he didn't know him really and visa versa. In a way I am lucky that although he has understanding of his Dad's existence and who he is, he really won't care too much until he's older about seeing him regularly and I can deal with it then rather than now. I am so glad that we didn't get to the stage where he was seeing him regularly as I now think this ending was inevitable.

I can't even begin to understand why or  how anyone could disown, dismiss or neglect their own child once but when you purposely have that child back in your life when he's then old enough to understand who you are and then do it again........ I think you need a good smack in the head and a reality check.

It's sad that he had to be let down in such a way for me to understand what he actually thought about his own child. He's let himself down more now than he did back then when he didn't care the first time as this time there really is no reason or excuse. I'm almost glad I saw it now rather than a few years down the line when Kyd is old enough to understand a lot more about what a let down his father is and is able to be upset by it. I feel really sorry for Kyd, he not only has lost his real dad...... again...... he's also lost the two brothers he's only just gained and that he was so proud of AND WHY? I still don't know, because the above was all I got out of him as to why.... and that had no answers in it. Actually I'm not angry I'm more disappointed that I couldn't prove to others that people do change. I had so much time and faith in him to do right by his son... I just feel a bit like a mug right now.

Looking into the future...

Kyd has a fantastic life here with us, he has an amazing role model in Hoff and if he grows to be even half of the man Hoff is I will be the proudest of mothers. He has a little brother on the way and I know he will be as proud, if not prouder of him as he is with his other brothers. I hope that in the future they and he will understand that I tried everything I could for a long time to make him accepted by his dad and that it was not my choice for this to happen or understanding as to why he didn't want to know. I will never stop Kyd from knowing about his family and I will never purposely bad mouth his dad to him no matter what he does. I think, if I'm honest, he will understand completely by himself without me having to say anything.

It's a sad day for Kyd... but luckily he is completely unaware of it..... as I've deleted anyone who was at the wedding on facebook, not out of malice but because I don't want Kyd to see them all there in pictures without him... he knows what weddings are, after all we are getting married ourselves, we have had to explain the whole thing! It would be a shame for him to see that and feel as let down as he has actually been.

Actually reflecting on this whole thing, I'm really not that angry, I am more disappointed in him and I know that we aren't missing out on much without him there. We will cope... we have done for 10 years...... the biggest difference now is we have a loving family home to support him in and we didn't have that before......... Kyd will be just fine!!!

15 comments:

  1. What a twat. His first reply actually made me shake my computer screen! Let's hope its Nurture and not Nature and that Kyd grows up to be just like Hoff and not the sperm that made him :)

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  2. Wow. Well it's his loss at the end of the day. I'm sure he'll regret that decision one day if he's not already X

    ReplyDelete
  3. I was wondering whether the use of the "t" word would be appropriate so seeing as Lauren has led the way, what an utter twat. I too am shaking and screaming inside.

    How can you just omit your son from your wedding with no care or regard for his feelings? Stupid bloody minded ignorant wanker.

    You are such a bloody good mother, you are amazing, but this guy is just the end. Argh!

    We had a friend's son as our page boy, who happened to have Down's Syndrome, and he brought such sweetness and light to our day, he was amazing.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I love how he tries to put the blame on you! Why do some Dads do this!?! If the relationship was important they would do ANYTHING to keep in touch and build or re-build that bond. My son's dad is the same...I did all the taking (160 miles round trip and we had no other reason for going there!!!) and then 3 years ago he decided to stop contact with NO explanation (I found out later it was because he had a new partner who doesn't know about his son!!). He always used excuses like I make it difficult for him, or my son isn't very good at emails (would help if his dad actually sent one!) etc.
    I really don't have any answers except the one you already know which is that your son is better off without him! Its just really sad, when you know how amazing your son is, to think that someone who should feel this too doesn't! But HE (the dad) has to live with that, and if its not eating him up inside (which it would to any DECENT person) then we just have to rely on karma! i.e. what goes around come around!!! xxxx

    ReplyDelete
  5. Sounds like you are much better off without him in your life. Your new man is being that parent here. x

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