Wednesday, 1 February 2012

Pregnancy Diary: 5th Dec - Who Knew

I have had to tell my immediate family what is going on now because of my stint in hospital they became inquisitive. I just couldn’t lie when they asked me what was wrong and although so far I’ve not had to lie to anyone, I’ve just hidden the little extra info about the pregnancy, it seems that when asked out right by my dad why I was in hospital... I just blurted it all out! Typical, I was insistent that I wouldn’t put them all through this as I know how hard they will all take it. Let’s face it if you knew that you might carry this gene that caused all this upset and kafuffle, which my brother and sister might, you wouldn’t want to know the upset and pain it causes during the process as it would put you off trying to have babies yourself or cause unnecessary worry.... Turns out they think I’m stupid and that they obviously want to know because they love me and want to help me through it... who’d have thought it ay? We aren’t the most lovey dovey of families but they have been more interested than I thought actually... and to others this will sound bonkers because it is paramount that your family will care and want to know if you’re suffering, but I have this thing where I don’t like to worry them as after years of teenage torment I think they deserve a break from Alice issues! This is more my problems than it is theirs, but I just like to have happy news to tell them rather than bad news.... It seems I was the bad news fairy for a long time and I want this to change.
Only a few of my friends know what’s going on. I haven’t picked and chosen who I told I have just had a few slip ups causing people to guess. I’d love to announce it to all of my friends but I’m too scared that if the amnio test results show up as affected then I’ll have everyone knowing that I have had to make some awful decisions about my pregnancy leading to having to make an announcement or deal with the constant foot in mouth occasions it will bring about. This is going to be a stressful enough decision without having to explain myself over and over again and I can’t imagine how much harder it will be in the fear of people judging us for whatever decision we make. I love all of my friends and know they won’t judge us as they know how hard it was with Kyd... but until you are in that situation your brain and emotions work in a different way... this is one thing I’d like to keep to myself so selfishly I can deal with what’s happening without feeling the pressure of judgement and pity... So if I didn’t tell you out right at the beginning what was happening it wasn’t because I think less of you as a friend than I did the others I just couldn’t bring myself to say it out loud. Please understand.
I have left Hoff to decide who he tells I don’t think it’s my place to tell him who he wants to turn to as this is a stressful and confusing time for him more than me. This is all new to us both but I have at least got 9 years of Kyd to reference, he on the other hand has only got Google! I think he’s scared to say it out loud just in case he jinx’s it... It’s so hard for him to open up. I feel so sorry for him and almost helpless as I have no idea what he’s thinking. I have a sneaky suspicion when I ask him he just tells me what I want to hear as he is too scared to upset me. I hope he isn’t hurting too much inside as I don’t think I could cope with knowing that my body’s stupid behaviour and genetics were breaking him. I feel guilty enough that he has to go through this as it is.  If he was with anyone else it would be so straight forward, simple and a brilliantly happy occasion... because he’s with me... he has to deal with test after test and not knowing whether by the end of it we will even have a baby, not to mention the stress and the heartache. I do feel guilty, I know he keeps telling me to stop apologising for something I can’t control... but the guilt is killing me and I want this for him so much.
We’ve both got our fingers crossed firmly at the moment as we have another scan on the 12th to see if baby does actually exist or whether it’s been a miss miscarriage like they suspect... It’s killing me waiting... but surely my boobs being so painful and my nausea should be a good sign something is going on in there... but is it?

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