Friday, 3 February 2012

Pregnancy Diary: 13th - 14th Dec - Decisions

December 13th  : The Daunting Truth About Future Decisions...
I have had no bloody sleep! I keep waking up to pee, then worrying myself about all the choices we might have to make after the tests which is stopping me from getting back to sleep. Then when I do go back to sleep every time I turn over my boobs scream at me!... Oh and to top it off I have the cold from hell so I can’t bloody breathe through my nose! This is not what I need right now especially when Kyd is ill too!... Hoff however... was sleeping like a baby... I almost held his nose to wake him out of spite... All this and I am only 7-8 weeks pregnant... I’ll keep hold of the holding his nose trick for a later date when my bump or heartburn or other pregnancy issues are playing a part in my insomnia... Watch this space Hoff sleep with one eye open!...
...You see I say this all jokey and talking about further pregnancy and yet at the end I think ‘well that’s if the baby get’s that far’... the thought of not knowing how far this pregnancy will go is killing my excitement and enthusiasm about being pregnant... completely ruining this part of the pregnancy experience for me! I wish I could know right now!! But I have to wait until February for the BIG test! I’ll be 4 months and showing by then and it will be so difficult to hide! I have the option of doing the 11 week test but the risk of miscarriage is so high I’d kick myself if it meant I lost my baby just because I was being impatient... BUT on the other hand either way if the tests come back with problems I’d have to give birth to my baby after termination as it would be too late for a smaller less invasive termination... now this was a scary thought. I am devastated by this. This will be my biggest thing to tackle in my mind. How on earth am I supposed to get over that? Not only does the guilt of making that decision loom the realisation that I would then have to actually give birth to my baby and it would be over 4 months gone. Babies have been saved from early labour and stayed alive at that age they are the size of an avocado... this has made it all worse! My brain is going to explode! Will I be able to go through with it? I know I can’t deal with another disabled child but to deal with that would kill me. I have a history of severe depression and I know this will make me slip straight back into it... So is the 11 week test a better option even with the higher risks?
OMG I want to scream!!!!!
Please can someone just do this for me and bring me back in to the equation after we know all is fine??.... Pretty Please!!
14th December : We’ve changed our minds...
Not about the Baby obviously... about the tests....
So after a long few days of worry and no sleep I finally broke down in front of Hoff and declared that I couldn’t deal with waiting for so long before we knew if this little sprout was ok and that even more importantly I didn’t think I could mentally deal with the end result if worst came to worst... I was a mess and I am not sure the lack of sleep and the crazy hormones were helping my brain to make a permanent decision... although I’m known for my scattiness as it is so it might just be that... I had tried not to worry Hoff with it all as I thought eventually I’d get over it and I would still want to take the amnio option... turns out I couldn’t deal with it and I had become wary of my decision, so I let him in on my ever so complicated brain activity and guess what... HE AGREED WITH ME! He could’ve said something earlier jeees!! He had also been thinking it through and worrying that it would all be too much so far down the line. He was worried too that I’d be showing already and that it would be hard to hide it... this was also what I had thought but everything else has been taking over. He agreed that maybe we should do the earlier 11 week test and that it would make this hard situation even harder if we add another few months to the equation. We weighed up the risks and the possible outcomes for both tests and we decided that even with the higher risks the benefits were greater the earlier test was for us. We had to stick to this decision now though but my whole body seemed to lose the tension it had built up... that is how I knew it was the right decision for us.
My brain began to relax a bit after that conversation. We had made a decision... Well we had rearranged a decision. We were only a few weeks away from the test week and we would have Christmas and New Year as a distraction in between, brilliant timing. These next few weeks will fly by. I just need to make a few phone calls to some specialists and make some arrangements for the next step...
 TBC
 

8 comments:

  1. Takes me right back- I have had two amnios & the thought of having to go through labour afterwards terrified me more than anything - awful decision x

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