Monday, 30 January 2012

Pregnancy Diary: 28th Nov - Pain, Panic and Pills #3

....14 hours later I wake up all dazed and confused to a full prescription on my bedside table, Kyd at school and a bacon sandwich (minus the crusts) under my nose... Hoff had been like a Pixie that morning and I hadn’t even heard a thing or slightly moved an inch in my sleep. I had the Worst headache still though and it was worse than before. I only had an hour until I was supposed to be back at the hospital and I was in no suitable condition to rush. I took my pain killers and got washed and dressed back into my PJ’s as I couldn’t be bothered to wear clothes... not even this strong codeine was shifting this bloody headache though! But I had to keep telling myself I’d know if my baby was ok soon... I had tried not to think about it but it all of a sudden dawned on me that my dream of having this baby might be over... I couldn’t cope with that and I broke down in the bathroom... The more I cried the worse the pain got in both my head and stomach. I pulled myself together and did the ‘I’m OK’ smile again.
I was put in a waiting room for hours just waiting. Still in pain with the headache turning into a migraine and the lights in the hospital were killing me. I had taken painkillers and they just weren’t even touching it much to the confusion of the nurses. I sat there in Sun Glasses, indoors; in November.... let’s just say I looked like a tit! But it was helping slightly. I waited for hours and I was beginning to think, even with the benefit of 14 hours sleep at home, maybe I should have stayed in the ward as I might have been seen quicker and I’d have at least had a bed, not an uncomfortable waiting room chair. The wait was more nerve wracking than before. I was beginning to think the worst again. I knew it wasn’t a miscarriage. But I didn’t know what it was that was wrong and the word Eptopic was just playing around and around in my head. I was only 5 weeks gone and I was so annoyed that I’d prepared myself for all the genetic tests but I’d not prepared myself for this.
All I kept thinking was Why Me? Why is it that all the dirty druggies can fall pregnant and ruin their healthy normal babies by taking drugs, yet I can’t even keep a baby for 5 weeks in my body? And if I do it’s more than likely going to be disabled!! I don’t smoke! I haven’t touched Alcohol at any point during the last 5 weeks! I take my Pregnancy vitamins and I have done everything by the book... but my body isn’t good enough! My Body Hates Me!! But why?? What the hell have I done to deserve this? I know so many women who have been through so much just to fall pregnant, some still unsuccessful. I just can’t look at the people abusing their bodies and babies whilst pregnant by smoking or drinking or even the mums walking down the street with babes in arms and a fag on the go or a can of cider in the other hand. It makes me feel sick. So many decent women with an understanding of what these things can do to their babies just can’t have them, yet they just take it for granted. It makes me so mad. I just want a happy healthy bouncing baby.... But I have to go through hell to get it... and hell is where I will be until I do.
So here I am in Hell! I get called through to have my internal scan...nearly 48hrs after I was admitted! I laid there with Hoff holding my hand as the lady asked me how the pain was now. It had dulled a little by this point even with my head still banging. I’m not sure if it was the pain killers that had dulled the pain or if it was finally lifting. It was a scary moment as she placed the scanner into my womb showing my cervix and my ovaries. My tubes were empty Hurrahhh no Eptopic!! The left ovary showed the remainder of the egg in which I fell pregnant; this had haemorrhaged and filled with blood which she thought was where the pain was coming from. There was nothing which she could do about that it wouldn’t affect the baby and it would sort itself out. What a relief. She moved over to the womb and there it was a black splodge. This black Splodge was a Sack in which the baby will grow... but the sack was empty... the sack had no stalk in which they would have thought it would by the dates given by the hormone counts... She looked worried. She explained that it could just be too early or that it could be a Miss Miscarriage... in which the baby just doesn’t appear in the sack... but we wouldn’t know without further Hormone tests and another scan 2 weeks later... Hormone tests need to be done 48hrs apart and as I’d had them done on arrival in A&E on Saturday night, I could have them done that day and I’d have the results after 6pm.... not being funny but the doctors asked for me to have those bloods taken at 2pm and I’d have had the results that day... but it was now 5pm and of course the lab was closed so I had to wait until after 6pm the next day! Waiting.... Again! If they had done it when asked they’d not only be solving the mystery quicker, saving their time but saving the heartache of both me and Hoff who was confused enough as it was. I wasn’t impressed. I was then discharged and sent home... again. I was happy to be outside and in the dark as the migraine was getting worse by the minute. When I got home I sat on my downstairs toilet floor, in the dark, feeling sicker than ever before and after an hour of not being sick, I moved upstairs to bed. I woke several times to be sick during the night. I’ve never had a migraine as bad as this before and it was beginning to worry me. I was still in pain and the more I was sick the worse my stomach pains got. It was beginning to actually feel like hell and I just couldn’t stop it.

1 comment:

  1. I'm hooked on this Alice! But OMG - years ago I had a miscarriage - they did a scan and said the sac was empty - so they took me straight to have a D&C - I might still have been pregnant :(



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