Ok so I have been a mess again... nothing new I hear you say... I haven’t done the forms yet let alone read the info, but I have been having a real hormonal tantrum in the past few weeks. I have been horrible to live with... worse than usual... My moods haven’t been on a swing, they’ve been on a merry-go-round!... and I am never like that so I know there is something going on... I have been crying at soaps and at stupid things and I have just had enough... then something happened I wasn’t expecting... I’ve been sleeping more than ever... for someone who can never sleep, this is alarming! But this didn’t last long...
Now my Boooooob’s are killing me!!! 2 nights in a row now they’ve kept me awake! Not thinking anything of it as I’ve had issues with painful boob’s pre period before I just let it slide out of my mind. Until I sat on my sofa this morning and I just began to cry, no idea why or what started it but I was due to leave the house to meet a friend in 10 minutes. I sat and thought about my stupidly achy boobs and it was like someone was stood next to me saying ‘do the test’. I did the maths... I wasn’t due on for weeks why would boobs hurt? So I found myself in the cupboard fetching the clear Blue stick. I stared at it and thought it’ll be a waste of money and the test as it’ll come back negative again... but again it was like I blanked out and all of a sudden I was peeing on a stick... I was alone and in a rush to leave the house but I was peeing on a stick!... what was I doing?? I put it in the sink and left it. I then went back but couldn’t pick it up... It was like there was a force field around it!... I finally plucked up the courage to pick it up and there it was... A BIG BLUE CROSS a whole year after we had decided to try and only a few days after I got the bloody egg screening forms I find out, I’m bloody pregnant... I stared at the stick crying in a mix of fear, disbelief and joy. I took a pic of the stick almost as if it was going to change the result and show me I’m dreaming.... nope not dreaming. I phoned Hoff... No answer... I phoned my Mum... No bloody answer!!!... So I left the house to go and meet the friend so I wasn’t late and I had to try and keep calm. On the way Hoff phoned me back... with a whimpery, cryey voice I said ‘I’m pregnant!!’ he was like ‘WHAT?’ ‘WOW’ ‘UHHHHH brilliant... isn’t it?’ I said ‘I don’t know is it?’ and then we decided that maybe a trip to the doctor might be a good idea. So on the way to town I nipped in and asked to see my GP... ‘Well there’s a free slot in 10 minutes if you would like to wait?’... This is new for a doctors, I thought I’d have to wait at least a few days for one so I could get my head around it just slightly... but no I sat there nervously, text my friend and said I’d be a bit late, went in and stuck this pregnancy test in his face and said ‘is this definitely positive??’ I had been the only one to actually see it so I needed reassurance that it was real... he said... ‘yep that is a definite cross’ ‘let’s get you to the nurse for a blood test to date it just to be sure’. Again they had a slot for later this afternoon Fate was defo on my side today.
I saw my friend and I was still in shock, my plan was not to tell her but as she was the first real person in my life I’d seen, I just couldn’t hold it back I needed reassurance and advice! She was brill and we bought one of those clever digital dating tests from boots, because I was just too impatient for the blood test results because I had to wait over the whole weekend and we went for lunch and waited in suspense. It said quite boldly.... PREGNANT right across the screen... then underneath the numbers 1-2, meaning I had conceived only a few weeks before... but medically I was around 3-4 weeks gone.... OMG now that was real! I sent the pic to Hoff and I think it sank in for him then too... It is defo more real when the word PREGNANT is so boldly in front of you!
All I kept thinking was... Here is where my story will begin... here is where my life and our life as a family will change forever... and where some serious decisions need to be made...
When Hoff came home from work and just looked at me and smiled. He was so excited. I had tried so hard not to get excited because of the ‘what if’s’ but seeing his face made me get all giggley inside. I was happy and excited for the first time and I almost forgot about the fact that here was where the hard decisions were yet to be made. My moment of happiness was short lived as my feet have just hit the floor and I’ve realised I need to work a few things out and I have a lot of work to do. I need to sleep.
21st November: What now?
So I’ve got my head round it, I have had my blood results back I am defo 4 weeks preggers but now I need to ring the Genetic Councillor to take the next step. Now how do I get my head around what she is going to say?... jees this couldn’t be any more complicated!
She, formally known as Eva, is the loveliest specialist I’ve ever had for anything. She doesn’t boggle me with facts but she doesn’t patronize me with baby talk, she has it just right. She starts with asking how I feel and ends with asking how I feel, and she makes sure I understand what’s happening every step of the way... she even draws me pictures! So when all the panic and confusion about Genetics gets too much... One phone call and it all seems to disappear. I know she’s there if I need to phone her too making this dopey blonde’s brain hurt that little bit less. When I phoned to explain what was happening she was thrilled. She talked me through the choices again and when and where I could have the tests, if I wanted the tests. It suddenly dawned on me that this was actually happening. I was going to have to make these decisions for real. But what she did tell me was that I didn’t have to decide straight away. I have to wait until I was 11 weeks to have the CVS test, and until 14 weeks for the Amnio... plenty of time... or is it?